worn

a dog barks in the street out the back of this house where the stranger was beaten up last week
his blood rolled thickly between overused flagstones facedown faceless
all i did when i heard him groaning was close the carport roller door
it sounded oddly silent
like the man i did not see used up little to no energy splitting his face open
only the grunts as the hits connected
silence, the roller door closing. it got stuck on the flood-damaged mattress
i took a breath, moved it, did not look in the direction of the sounds i had overheard,
even a physically dysfunctional separation can be symbol enough for one to believe in safety
for the time being.

the dog's bark changed to growl changed back
to bark
i will not miss the terrible stillness of my nerves desensitised

and perhaps it was only because everything had already happened so why not something else, i mean, when it rains it pours it hails it ruins your home it makes strangers bleed it crashes cars it

steals the song from behind your tongue still sitting stagnant deep inside yr throat

the concept of opening your fingers and only static spilling out is something i fear more than
blood or danger or betrayal
i have to believe that this is something powerful and magical because otherwise
baby, otherwise -
shit. i don't know. i suppose i'll lose it all over again.

ten minutes to 2am. if all i am is experience where does my emotional self enter?
i must be nervous. i must be overtired and fed up with this shitty house and electronic music and inability to even hold you close when you are purified nightly
with so little time to take stock
i am still unsure simply because another self is losing out here
someone i thought i was,
waving a little hand around quiet but concerned:
you are changing.

do your friends still know you?

loud sounds, similar to gunshots but not as piercing
the dog is barking again, distressed perhaps

my eyes hurt again
i am not alone and i know this
but i am not who i once was and it is confusing me, love i am so confused
the way you move tends to eddy around me and between the break and the rip i get stuck
my incessant need to share has never been a curse until now
and i hate
disintegration

but i am dissolving in this
if it pushes me away i suppose that's just how it is, you know
yes i care, but i am also accepting enough by now that intensity's uncommon appearances rattle me internally and steel me externally.
stop numbing it all down, baby
you need to and so do i now

but with every esoteric utterance your brain refuses to curve in line
with mine
like there is some soft insanity waiting
just around the river bend

the more i observe myself the more i believe in denial
but subjectively; integration just won't do right now. no sir. she likes a challenge, i mean
it says so in her resume.

give the kid some hallucinogens, for fuck's sake
something to shake it all up nice good
or, more so, to condense it all.

yes. it should be done.
you have logic and love behind you.
it should be all you need.

past here - i hope i'll sleep
and slow
and lie less
and kick contradiction
hey it's a tough one. give me a break, i'll get there eventually.

yeah. give me a break, and when it's broken i'll break you too. but it doesn't hurt, in fact

i'll just

stay awake and look in the window every now and again
it's warmer inside so it tends to fog up
don't breathe too much

no sound now, other than your generic city sounds and the fridge buzz. and my static love.
you don't
and you
will do