it's all gonna break

the last week and a half has been a bit too much.

not just in the usual justine sense of the phrase. it's actually been an overload by anyone's standards.

i was falling apart. i escaped, and tried to get my head/heart straight. i was somewhere else entirely, not just somewhere i hadn't been in a long time, it was more than that. there are curses involved in learning shit about yourself and the world.
i thought i was working it out. and to an extent, it was making sense.

then it rained.
and when it rains, it pours, baby
when it pours it hails
and it floods what you called home and the cracks in the ceiling spread
and the cracks in the walls lengthen, it leaks through
and everything precious has to be shifted and put away
and you can't find anything
and you are confused because surely this sort of situation is not what you deserve.

but it won't stop there
and sleeping becomes a task, an irritable adventure
or if it will only just stay standing
but the ground is changing
it is growing and it is slowly sickening you
until you can't sit and breathe any longer, you are limbo embodied
frantically aching and coughing and pushing at nothing but air
it will not move! somebody, something, make it move;
i can't do it. i have tried. it is wearing me down after only 6 days.

you must. so you take a deep toxic breath and heave
and when it pours it shits down, baby
because growing up is not about taking the easy way out, running or hiding.
you must
set your sights on something and just pull your tangles through
(and i have realized now, you look like her. it's the jawline that sings out to me)
so i do.

and oh there is a cure here, more tangles than i knew here
could possibly be moving unnoticed behind your head
i am already permanently stuck, unless i use my teeth to cut
and i am not ready for that yet.
and when it hails it breaks things, when the sky hath no fury like
a woman mourned -
no. sorrow.

maybe something is moving now?
surely it will take a form, like a real physical form
with mass and texture and light refracted
surely
it will resonate and i will feel whole again i will feel condensed instead of
split and scattered

i don't know
i don't want to, but i can plead
it's not really me, but i can do it if it needs to be done
it will grow and twist into me now
that's okay. i don't mind. i'm gathering my strength
for the sake of stability.
and when the shitstorm buckets on down,
where will yr fingertips be?
stretching up & out
or pointing inwards, and piercing yr palms?

or scratching away at me?

and my skin forgets to breathe
it's all rushing and rolling inside the sea
yr heart's a cloud now
maybe it'll break me

but keep on pushing
keep on keepin' on

this is it, it unfolds.

sometime soon, things are gonna turn around.
it's the only way.
sometime soon, there'll be another downpour and all of this will wash away
fresh and clean, i hope i really truly do
because i don't know i don't know now and i never will know and i know that now
but someday soon the oceans will bend my way
soon

today

i implore you! it's a crucial time, i never expected this - but here it is. help me. whatever you are. give me that little boost, a leg up, a shoulder, a hand, an eye, a fingertip
to balance on and reach that last rickety rung
cause it's a long long long way but i am young
and i am right this time.
finally.
i am right this time.

it's all gonna push me in the direction of home
i haven't been there yet, and i'm nervous
but my hopes are staying above those heavy clouds
every drip drags the dirt down
and the air clears
and yr eyes are bright
autumn is thick with nostalgia and churning with change
i'm feeling so light and so strange
i've never been here
and i'm itching to move on and on and on and on

up and up and up

and i'm still easy either way
but i've lost my listlessness

it doesn't bother me