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fuckinghellfuckshitfuck.
justine is going to break shit soon.

losing my fucking mind.
it's all babble mindless babble bullshit nothingcomesoutnothinggoesin and i am a wreck of broken thoughts and half-remembered dreams and emotionchaos.
i don't know.

i've gotten to this point again. how. what is it that pushes me to this point. what do i usually do when confronted by it?
i run.
and i don't want to this time but escapism is so ridiculously appealing, i want nothing more.
nothing?
nothing.

but i can't self-diagnose, that's not going to get me anywhere. i just have to push on through,
(starfish)
and see where it gets me.

maybe this is the most fucked up i've ever been. i don't know. key phrase at the moment apparently.

the options are endless and daunting, my mind is endless and daunting, my heart is endless and daunting. i don't want to face any of it.
but

break something. for the better.
break it because the other option is all too far down to climb back out of
and it could be it could be it could be worse
it could be much much much worse
yet i still feel the same
dulled
and sometimes emptiness makes for a good cover-up.
but it doesn't even put a bandage on it, it's all smoke and mirrors and tricks to make you think it's not there.

hearts burst open/wounds bleed fresh






just crawl, now
it's a start i suppose