Things have been breaking for a while now. It's not often that losing the leg off a table you don't even own makes you reflect on your life situation.
A haze sits solemnly over the city, turns the air into gold. I go outside, halfway down the chipped steps. The sun is framed halfway between our neighbour's deck and roof. I find myself stuck momentarily, that all-too-familiar red orb dull enough so that I don't look away.
I have things to do, of course. I have to tie up the loose ends and tape up collections of half-read books, fill half-full boxes. At least I still have my optimism, that much is whole. The rest: I have stopped caring. To be completely honest.
It's at this point in the process where every stain begins to surface. Previously smothered by desks, couches, letters addressed to no one you know. Piles of - of what? Nothing, really. I don't spend any time shuffling through it - there's no point. The walls are empty now, apart from half a quote: "...ere the weather is decisive". Apt. Everything was going well until the weather went bipolar on us. And then all that you know as stable becomes a shadow of itself, or so it seems. It's not like things were perfect, I mean, confusion and frustration had been no stranger for a good while before the atmosphere built up enough to bring down a deluge like that. I had been concentrating on a circle so tiny and distorted and seemingly close that, by the time I looked up, we were hurtling into the earth, utterly unprepared.
I'm sure we all like to think of ourselves as balanced people. We have the ability, the opportunity to focus on things like our personalities, the importance (or lack thereof) we place on material possessions, whether or not we get insurance and how long our showers are. When placed into situations that rattle your sense of stability and control, these things get lost. Not in the pejorative sense - it's simply that you find yourself with more important things to think about. And in this process, while dissolved in limbo, you might lose your shit. Your legs might go weak, you might freeze. You might assert control and find yourself stronger. Or weaker. Or with no change, at least initially.
There's a poignant beauty in destruction. Small things nestled peripherally for so long are discarded, stale emotion often discarded with them. Prioritize, organize. File it away. You crystallize your world, your only reference point being yourself.
I find myself reminded that the progression, the process of organic growth & decay, is a constant. It fuels itself and burns simultaneously. I am not separate from it. I am in the middle of it right now, and even if I stare at that sun for a bit too long it won't blind me. I'll remember the colour well, the feeling of watching things split & scatter. Old chairs, clothes, dust and songs and time and thoughts, not just your own, definitely not just your own. And for some reason, even if it's guilt or love or basic human growth, I feel responsible for this house, the people, the life I have known well; in all its half-broken glory.
In the half-light. The halfway home.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
shake it up baby, now
it's rushing and rolling out of me and into the air.
sleeping and living and slow moving and losing out
the sound is awake and, although lights are low
i don't need to hear it,
i mean i really, really don't.
it's like somehow the lack of solidity leaked into me
and i am locked away too, i don't want this -
i have what i have, too
maybe i have missed
that desolation is intoxicating.
so i'm wired, hey
all over the shop
warmth is warmth is not here
3 hours, 7 hours, 30 minutes
it's shifting and inconsistent it is a mirror image
it tells you how your mind is moving through the space around it
it breathes you in and you forget and you have it all laid out delicately on a non-existent surface
so it just falls through and lands on nothing
into nothing
and by the time it gets there the order has changed and this will happen again again again
yes i don't understand
yes i am okay
yes i care
no i don't want this
yes i missed
tangles
tangles
twists and shuddering and birth and shadows
that grimace scares me if i am completely honest
and weak
confusion has reached a new peak, i am impressed as the other
i marvel at it, even. but it doesn't quite deserve applause.
missed
and all of a sudden it is achingly cold again
i know it's the beginning and warmth is warmth is
not something i can provide
it's not my shoulders, it's these feet
now that is a lie.
i don't ever wanna feel
like the only string between the next place and this
but of course.
i couldn't possibly understand, and therein lies the same old headfuck.
yeah, yeah. it's whatever you make it i guess. what else am i supposed to say
i have no say in the matter but i speak like i will not have another chance to and the words and thoughts wind themselves into each other and what else can i say
they'll end up in the same (dis)place
as the destructive urge
as the hollow tone
as the self-forming miraclemachine
whose name is inappropriate
whose name pushes you away as it drags you
whose name is down, down
in the misplaced dawn
in the core that still won't still
in the awkwardly locked fingers dig them in
now
now
2 hours, 5 hours, 30 minutes
you can't take me with you and you can tell yourself whatever it might be
you think and you observe and your loss is not my gain
don't tell me again
don't ask me again
i have nothing for you
as it becomes an offering
i don't know
maybe it's a question
or a challenge and if you take it and win then there you go
nothing
return return to
layers peel off and smothering and breathing shallow and gone
so
so
so
far gone
shake it off, baby
now
it's not for your shoulders or your feet
it's not enough ever and even if it was you still could not
it's not you
it's your self
it's not you
it's your suffocating sadness
what am i supposed to say?
it's more than one facet of guilt
even when even when
you are right
even when
it's nothing
no promises, i mean, meow
but
yeah. i got nothing.
yeah.
sleeping and living and slow moving and losing out
the sound is awake and, although lights are low
i don't need to hear it,
i mean i really, really don't.
it's like somehow the lack of solidity leaked into me
and i am locked away too, i don't want this -
i have what i have, too
maybe i have missed
that desolation is intoxicating.
so i'm wired, hey
all over the shop
warmth is warmth is not here
3 hours, 7 hours, 30 minutes
it's shifting and inconsistent it is a mirror image
it tells you how your mind is moving through the space around it
it breathes you in and you forget and you have it all laid out delicately on a non-existent surface
so it just falls through and lands on nothing
into nothing
and by the time it gets there the order has changed and this will happen again again again
yes i don't understand
yes i am okay
yes i care
no i don't want this
yes i missed
tangles
tangles
twists and shuddering and birth and shadows
that grimace scares me if i am completely honest
and weak
confusion has reached a new peak, i am impressed as the other
i marvel at it, even. but it doesn't quite deserve applause.
missed
and all of a sudden it is achingly cold again
i know it's the beginning and warmth is warmth is
not something i can provide
it's not my shoulders, it's these feet
now that is a lie.
i don't ever wanna feel
like the only string between the next place and this
but of course.
i couldn't possibly understand, and therein lies the same old headfuck.
yeah, yeah. it's whatever you make it i guess. what else am i supposed to say
i have no say in the matter but i speak like i will not have another chance to and the words and thoughts wind themselves into each other and what else can i say
they'll end up in the same (dis)place
as the destructive urge
as the hollow tone
as the self-forming miraclemachine
whose name is inappropriate
whose name pushes you away as it drags you
whose name is down, down
in the misplaced dawn
in the core that still won't still
in the awkwardly locked fingers dig them in
now
now
2 hours, 5 hours, 30 minutes
you can't take me with you and you can tell yourself whatever it might be
you think and you observe and your loss is not my gain
don't tell me again
don't ask me again
i have nothing for you
as it becomes an offering
i don't know
maybe it's a question
or a challenge and if you take it and win then there you go
nothing
return return to
layers peel off and smothering and breathing shallow and gone
so
so
so
far gone
shake it off, baby
now
it's not for your shoulders or your feet
it's not enough ever and even if it was you still could not
it's not you
it's your self
it's not you
it's your suffocating sadness
what am i supposed to say?
it's more than one facet of guilt
even when even when
you are right
even when
it's nothing
no promises, i mean, meow
but
yeah. i got nothing.
yeah.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
worn
a dog barks in the street out the back of this house where the stranger was beaten up last week
his blood rolled thickly between overused flagstones facedown faceless
all i did when i heard him groaning was close the carport roller door
it sounded oddly silent
like the man i did not see used up little to no energy splitting his face open
only the grunts as the hits connected
silence, the roller door closing. it got stuck on the flood-damaged mattress
i took a breath, moved it, did not look in the direction of the sounds i had overheard,
even a physically dysfunctional separation can be symbol enough for one to believe in safety
for the time being.
the dog's bark changed to growl changed back
to bark
i will not miss the terrible stillness of my nerves desensitised
and perhaps it was only because everything had already happened so why not something else, i mean, when it rains it pours it hails it ruins your home it makes strangers bleed it crashes cars it
steals the song from behind your tongue still sitting stagnant deep inside yr throat
the concept of opening your fingers and only static spilling out is something i fear more than
blood or danger or betrayal
i have to believe that this is something powerful and magical because otherwise
baby, otherwise -
shit. i don't know. i suppose i'll lose it all over again.
ten minutes to 2am. if all i am is experience where does my emotional self enter?
i must be nervous. i must be overtired and fed up with this shitty house and electronic music and inability to even hold you close when you are purified nightly
with so little time to take stock
i am still unsure simply because another self is losing out here
someone i thought i was,
waving a little hand around quiet but concerned:
you are changing.
do your friends still know you?
loud sounds, similar to gunshots but not as piercing
the dog is barking again, distressed perhaps
my eyes hurt again
i am not alone and i know this
but i am not who i once was and it is confusing me, love i am so confused
the way you move tends to eddy around me and between the break and the rip i get stuck
my incessant need to share has never been a curse until now
and i hate
disintegration
but i am dissolving in this
if it pushes me away i suppose that's just how it is, you know
yes i care, but i am also accepting enough by now that intensity's uncommon appearances rattle me internally and steel me externally.
stop numbing it all down, baby
you need to and so do i now
but with every esoteric utterance your brain refuses to curve in line
with mine
like there is some soft insanity waiting
just around the river bend
the more i observe myself the more i believe in denial
but subjectively; integration just won't do right now. no sir. she likes a challenge, i mean
it says so in her resume.
give the kid some hallucinogens, for fuck's sake
something to shake it all up nice good
or, more so, to condense it all.
yes. it should be done.
you have logic and love behind you.
it should be all you need.
past here - i hope i'll sleep
and slow
and lie less
and kick contradiction
hey it's a tough one. give me a break, i'll get there eventually.
yeah. give me a break, and when it's broken i'll break you too. but it doesn't hurt, in fact
i'll just
stay awake and look in the window every now and again
it's warmer inside so it tends to fog up
don't breathe too much
no sound now, other than your generic city sounds and the fridge buzz. and my static love.
you don't
and you
will do
his blood rolled thickly between overused flagstones facedown faceless
all i did when i heard him groaning was close the carport roller door
it sounded oddly silent
like the man i did not see used up little to no energy splitting his face open
only the grunts as the hits connected
silence, the roller door closing. it got stuck on the flood-damaged mattress
i took a breath, moved it, did not look in the direction of the sounds i had overheard,
even a physically dysfunctional separation can be symbol enough for one to believe in safety
for the time being.
the dog's bark changed to growl changed back
to bark
i will not miss the terrible stillness of my nerves desensitised
and perhaps it was only because everything had already happened so why not something else, i mean, when it rains it pours it hails it ruins your home it makes strangers bleed it crashes cars it
steals the song from behind your tongue still sitting stagnant deep inside yr throat
the concept of opening your fingers and only static spilling out is something i fear more than
blood or danger or betrayal
i have to believe that this is something powerful and magical because otherwise
baby, otherwise -
shit. i don't know. i suppose i'll lose it all over again.
ten minutes to 2am. if all i am is experience where does my emotional self enter?
i must be nervous. i must be overtired and fed up with this shitty house and electronic music and inability to even hold you close when you are purified nightly
with so little time to take stock
i am still unsure simply because another self is losing out here
someone i thought i was,
waving a little hand around quiet but concerned:
you are changing.
do your friends still know you?
loud sounds, similar to gunshots but not as piercing
the dog is barking again, distressed perhaps
my eyes hurt again
i am not alone and i know this
but i am not who i once was and it is confusing me, love i am so confused
the way you move tends to eddy around me and between the break and the rip i get stuck
my incessant need to share has never been a curse until now
and i hate
disintegration
but i am dissolving in this
if it pushes me away i suppose that's just how it is, you know
yes i care, but i am also accepting enough by now that intensity's uncommon appearances rattle me internally and steel me externally.
stop numbing it all down, baby
you need to and so do i now
but with every esoteric utterance your brain refuses to curve in line
with mine
like there is some soft insanity waiting
just around the river bend
the more i observe myself the more i believe in denial
but subjectively; integration just won't do right now. no sir. she likes a challenge, i mean
it says so in her resume.
give the kid some hallucinogens, for fuck's sake
something to shake it all up nice good
or, more so, to condense it all.
yes. it should be done.
you have logic and love behind you.
it should be all you need.
past here - i hope i'll sleep
and slow
and lie less
and kick contradiction
hey it's a tough one. give me a break, i'll get there eventually.
yeah. give me a break, and when it's broken i'll break you too. but it doesn't hurt, in fact
i'll just
stay awake and look in the window every now and again
it's warmer inside so it tends to fog up
don't breathe too much
no sound now, other than your generic city sounds and the fridge buzz. and my static love.
you don't
and you
will do
it's all gonna break
the last week and a half has been a bit too much.
not just in the usual justine sense of the phrase. it's actually been an overload by anyone's standards.
i was falling apart. i escaped, and tried to get my head/heart straight. i was somewhere else entirely, not just somewhere i hadn't been in a long time, it was more than that. there are curses involved in learning shit about yourself and the world.
i thought i was working it out. and to an extent, it was making sense.
then it rained.
and when it rains, it pours, baby
when it pours it hails
and it floods what you called home and the cracks in the ceiling spread
and the cracks in the walls lengthen, it leaks through
and everything precious has to be shifted and put away
and you can't find anything
and you are confused because surely this sort of situation is not what you deserve.
but it won't stop there
and sleeping becomes a task, an irritable adventure
or if it will only just stay standing
but the ground is changing
it is growing and it is slowly sickening you
until you can't sit and breathe any longer, you are limbo embodied
frantically aching and coughing and pushing at nothing but air
it will not move! somebody, something, make it move;
i can't do it. i have tried. it is wearing me down after only 6 days.
you must. so you take a deep toxic breath and heave
and when it pours it shits down, baby
because growing up is not about taking the easy way out, running or hiding.
you must
set your sights on something and just pull your tangles through
(and i have realized now, you look like her. it's the jawline that sings out to me)
so i do.
and oh there is a cure here, more tangles than i knew here
could possibly be moving unnoticed behind your head
i am already permanently stuck, unless i use my teeth to cut
and i am not ready for that yet.
and when it hails it breaks things, when the sky hath no fury like
a woman mourned -
no. sorrow.
maybe something is moving now?
surely it will take a form, like a real physical form
with mass and texture and light refracted
surely
it will resonate and i will feel whole again i will feel condensed instead of
split and scattered
i don't know
i don't want to, but i can plead
it's not really me, but i can do it if it needs to be done
it will grow and twist into me now
that's okay. i don't mind. i'm gathering my strength
for the sake of stability.
and when the shitstorm buckets on down,
where will yr fingertips be?
stretching up & out
or pointing inwards, and piercing yr palms?
or scratching away at me?
and my skin forgets to breathe
it's all rushing and rolling inside the sea
yr heart's a cloud now
maybe it'll break me
but keep on pushing
keep on keepin' on
this is it, it unfolds.
sometime soon, things are gonna turn around.
it's the only way.
sometime soon, there'll be another downpour and all of this will wash away
fresh and clean, i hope i really truly do
because i don't know i don't know now and i never will know and i know that now
but someday soon the oceans will bend my way
soon
today
i implore you! it's a crucial time, i never expected this - but here it is. help me. whatever you are. give me that little boost, a leg up, a shoulder, a hand, an eye, a fingertip
to balance on and reach that last rickety rung
cause it's a long long long way but i am young
and i am right this time.
finally.
i am right this time.
it's all gonna push me in the direction of home
i haven't been there yet, and i'm nervous
but my hopes are staying above those heavy clouds
every drip drags the dirt down
and the air clears
and yr eyes are bright
autumn is thick with nostalgia and churning with change
i'm feeling so light and so strange
i've never been here
and i'm itching to move on and on and on and on
up and up and up
and i'm still easy either way
but i've lost my listlessness
it doesn't bother me
not just in the usual justine sense of the phrase. it's actually been an overload by anyone's standards.
i was falling apart. i escaped, and tried to get my head/heart straight. i was somewhere else entirely, not just somewhere i hadn't been in a long time, it was more than that. there are curses involved in learning shit about yourself and the world.
i thought i was working it out. and to an extent, it was making sense.
then it rained.
and when it rains, it pours, baby
when it pours it hails
and it floods what you called home and the cracks in the ceiling spread
and the cracks in the walls lengthen, it leaks through
and everything precious has to be shifted and put away
and you can't find anything
and you are confused because surely this sort of situation is not what you deserve.
but it won't stop there
and sleeping becomes a task, an irritable adventure
or if it will only just stay standing
but the ground is changing
it is growing and it is slowly sickening you
until you can't sit and breathe any longer, you are limbo embodied
frantically aching and coughing and pushing at nothing but air
it will not move! somebody, something, make it move;
i can't do it. i have tried. it is wearing me down after only 6 days.
you must. so you take a deep toxic breath and heave
and when it pours it shits down, baby
because growing up is not about taking the easy way out, running or hiding.
you must
set your sights on something and just pull your tangles through
(and i have realized now, you look like her. it's the jawline that sings out to me)
so i do.
and oh there is a cure here, more tangles than i knew here
could possibly be moving unnoticed behind your head
i am already permanently stuck, unless i use my teeth to cut
and i am not ready for that yet.
and when it hails it breaks things, when the sky hath no fury like
a woman mourned -
no. sorrow.
maybe something is moving now?
surely it will take a form, like a real physical form
with mass and texture and light refracted
surely
it will resonate and i will feel whole again i will feel condensed instead of
split and scattered
i don't know
i don't want to, but i can plead
it's not really me, but i can do it if it needs to be done
it will grow and twist into me now
that's okay. i don't mind. i'm gathering my strength
for the sake of stability.
and when the shitstorm buckets on down,
where will yr fingertips be?
stretching up & out
or pointing inwards, and piercing yr palms?
or scratching away at me?
and my skin forgets to breathe
it's all rushing and rolling inside the sea
yr heart's a cloud now
maybe it'll break me
but keep on pushing
keep on keepin' on
this is it, it unfolds.
sometime soon, things are gonna turn around.
it's the only way.
sometime soon, there'll be another downpour and all of this will wash away
fresh and clean, i hope i really truly do
because i don't know i don't know now and i never will know and i know that now
but someday soon the oceans will bend my way
soon
today
i implore you! it's a crucial time, i never expected this - but here it is. help me. whatever you are. give me that little boost, a leg up, a shoulder, a hand, an eye, a fingertip
to balance on and reach that last rickety rung
cause it's a long long long way but i am young
and i am right this time.
finally.
i am right this time.
it's all gonna push me in the direction of home
i haven't been there yet, and i'm nervous
but my hopes are staying above those heavy clouds
every drip drags the dirt down
and the air clears
and yr eyes are bright
autumn is thick with nostalgia and churning with change
i'm feeling so light and so strange
i've never been here
and i'm itching to move on and on and on and on
up and up and up
and i'm still easy either way
but i've lost my listlessness
it doesn't bother me
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
dlsfhvasjdknkjaksdjkds
fuckinghellfuckshitfuck.
justine is going to break shit soon.
losing my fucking mind.
it's all babble mindless babble bullshit nothingcomesoutnothinggoesin and i am a wreck of broken thoughts and half-remembered dreams and emotionchaos.
i don't know.
i've gotten to this point again. how. what is it that pushes me to this point. what do i usually do when confronted by it?
i run.
and i don't want to this time but escapism is so ridiculously appealing, i want nothing more.
nothing?
nothing.
but i can't self-diagnose, that's not going to get me anywhere. i just have to push on through,
(starfish)
and see where it gets me.
maybe this is the most fucked up i've ever been. i don't know. key phrase at the moment apparently.
the options are endless and daunting, my mind is endless and daunting, my heart is endless and daunting. i don't want to face any of it.
but
break something. for the better.
break it because the other option is all too far down to climb back out of
and it could be it could be it could be worse
it could be much much much worse
yet i still feel the same
dulled
and sometimes emptiness makes for a good cover-up.
but it doesn't even put a bandage on it, it's all smoke and mirrors and tricks to make you think it's not there.
hearts burst open/wounds bleed fresh
just crawl, now
it's a start i suppose
justine is going to break shit soon.
losing my fucking mind.
it's all babble mindless babble bullshit nothingcomesoutnothinggoesin and i am a wreck of broken thoughts and half-remembered dreams and emotionchaos.
i don't know.
i've gotten to this point again. how. what is it that pushes me to this point. what do i usually do when confronted by it?
i run.
and i don't want to this time but escapism is so ridiculously appealing, i want nothing more.
nothing?
nothing.
but i can't self-diagnose, that's not going to get me anywhere. i just have to push on through,
(starfish)
and see where it gets me.
maybe this is the most fucked up i've ever been. i don't know. key phrase at the moment apparently.
the options are endless and daunting, my mind is endless and daunting, my heart is endless and daunting. i don't want to face any of it.
but
break something. for the better.
break it because the other option is all too far down to climb back out of
and it could be it could be it could be worse
it could be much much much worse
yet i still feel the same
dulled
and sometimes emptiness makes for a good cover-up.
but it doesn't even put a bandage on it, it's all smoke and mirrors and tricks to make you think it's not there.
hearts burst open/wounds bleed fresh
just crawl, now
it's a start i suppose
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
dirtdustdreamrust
go now, little one, down the road it could only
go somewhere, little one, go
there's many a path near this road, little one you will go
far away from your home, you will go
summer air in the city streets
the years rush backwards, even then
the sun shone stronger, i swear
same time same space but a different when
all the trees looked the same in the backseat
the dirt rises behind my head, i
have stopped looking for it.
the way shadows fall in the morning light
splitting your dreams into fairies into dust
shaking them out of your hair as you move
time will solidify and time will rust and
ripple
upwards and out of the night
the earth forms inside my head, i
am a vessel for it.
and the most attractive people are the wrong way 'round
and the city turns to dirt it turns the brightness down
you keep a-tickin' but the tockin' is what's got you now
when the tension goes, all the cogs will break
and you be left down on the cold ground
you be left down
oh, down to the path on the way to the river on the way to the road to the oceanside
i took a little pity on a dyin' horse in the middle of the one-horse town
and i lied
to the people
to the clocks and the alleys and the broken nights
and the dirtdustdreamrust washes off
once the rain starts a-rainin' down so hard
it'll wear you smooth if you stand out here too long
and the dirtdustdreamrust will dissolve
once the salt starts stingin' in your eyes
it'll take you home if you need to go
now, little one, down the road it could only
go somewhere, little one, go
there's many a path near this road, little one you will go
far away from your home, you will go
there's many a path near this road, little one you will go
far away from your home, you will go
summer air in the city streets
the years rush backwards, even then
the sun shone stronger, i swear
same time same space but a different when
all the trees looked the same in the backseat
the dirt rises behind my head, i
have stopped looking for it.
the way shadows fall in the morning light
splitting your dreams into fairies into dust
shaking them out of your hair as you move
time will solidify and time will rust and
ripple
upwards and out of the night
the earth forms inside my head, i
am a vessel for it.
and the most attractive people are the wrong way 'round
and the city turns to dirt it turns the brightness down
you keep a-tickin' but the tockin' is what's got you now
when the tension goes, all the cogs will break
and you be left down on the cold ground
you be left down
oh, down to the path on the way to the river on the way to the road to the oceanside
i took a little pity on a dyin' horse in the middle of the one-horse town
and i lied
to the people
to the clocks and the alleys and the broken nights
and the dirtdustdreamrust washes off
once the rain starts a-rainin' down so hard
it'll wear you smooth if you stand out here too long
and the dirtdustdreamrust will dissolve
once the salt starts stingin' in your eyes
it'll take you home if you need to go
now, little one, down the road it could only
go somewhere, little one, go
there's many a path near this road, little one you will go
far away from your home, you will go
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