the epiphalon

anything
anything
anything

everything
everything
everything

is
is
is

divine
divine
divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

divine

the ones who left me empty and ready to be filled again

and i know that if i could see you
then you'd be walking like this too

i am irrationallyirritable. i haven't had a cigarette today, for the first time in quite a while. maybe this is my withdrawal.
i am so frustrated with my father. i need money to pay back lucy and bianca and tim, and it still hasn't been transferred through. i am still $49 in debt to my bank and because i have to learn to 'budget' my dad is being stingy. if i knew i wouldn't be getting money, i wouldn't be borrowing money or spending anything much apart from on essentials. but i promise people that i will pay them back by a certain date and the money does not come through by then. so people stop trusting me. thanks dad. i would rather be forced to get a job and know when my money is coming through.
so fuck it. tomorrow when i go out to get ingredients for worldpeacecookies i am dropping my resume in as many places as i can.

there's an ever-present static. the atmosphere unravelling til you recieve my love.

who is this mysterious 'you', diane? and, for that matter, justine?
i give it up.
i'm gonna stop looking/aching. i am going to stop bothering with everything around me and start properly fixing myself up. mind body heart spirit. time for a bit of a detox, a bit of a re-shaping. not to mention a re-tuning of my little receptor thingys.

all the voices around me are irritating me no end. i need to get out one day soon. i have my music but then there is an undercurrent of pure frustration. i need to get rid of it.

so either i'm going to blossom into something amazing and free and in tune, or i'm going to go on a huge massacre.


but it is no big deal, hey what else is there to do
than set your sights on something and just pull your tangles through

my footprint is cast in cement on the sidewalk

the ice may be melting

but the hills are still high

up and over

skin surfaces still
grows through
map-points and
hair and scar tissue

your teeth on edge
your feet shake and
your jaw ache said

i am determined this time
i am on fire this time
i am your fire eyes

your hands on head
your lips twist and
your lightning says

i am determined this time
i am on fire this time
i aim your fire eyes
at the moon

and i talk to her
and i will not stop
pulling the skin up
and over your lies
and the wind replies

i am determined this time
you are on fire my child
aim your fire eyes at my sky

open her up my child

pull out the bugs and the flies
drag the windingtwistingtape
up and over your lies

open her up my child

dig down the pulsing bitter lines
dig down into the synapse sighs
dig down and take hold until you know

open her up my child

i will give you your thunderstorm tonight


your head on land
your heart in your hands
your jaw ache said

you're on that road
i'll keep pushing and
your lightning says

open her up my child
the wind replies, open her up my child
the wind replies open her up,
my child
dig down and take hold til you know

bright tomorrow

okay.
i'm not sure if it's the fact that i've been awake all night, or that i am actually starting to become in/sane again, but certainly feel damn good this morning.
i had a bit of a resolution/epiphany/thingo. and i know what i want. because i know what makes me happy and what doesn't, and i figure if i can do what makes me happy, while letting other people do what they do, and survive all at the same time, why shouldn't i?

so
i'm going to.



wish me luck

okay, let's talk about magic (satellite lollipop for the last true misfit)

i can't take this anymore
you can't take this anymore
i can take you away

i can't stop wandering
through these ghost ridden streets
my footprint is cast in cement on the sidewalk
that glistens with broken glass
cause you have walked where i have walked
you have seen the things i've seen
you have been a hundred times or more
the person i have been

i can't take this anymore
you can't take this anymore
i can take you away

i'm trying to remember the distance of the clock hands
i'm trying to remember just how long
it took me to realize that
i was born into a world where i don't belong
but i can take it
if you can take it
i can take this if you can take me away

i can take it
if you can take it
if you can take me away

i can take it
if you can take it
i can take you away

dance!music!satellite?

i am suddenly inspired again.

make you wanna smile

i can't believe it's come to this
i can't believe that nobody knows
where it's at


i want to be in sydney with my family.
i want to be able to call melissa and meet her after work.
i want to treat myself well, i want to get healthy.
i want to thrive creatively and stop getting stuck in ruts.


i want to make up my mind.
i want to wake up my mind.
i want to be the one to make you want to smile

night owl

it's verrrry chilly here by the window. the fact that it is about 4:20am may account for some of the chill.
i may/may not have just been having a 5 hour long friends marathon. i must clean the house later on today. the cat is still here but we fed it and it was sleeping on the couch but we can't have it inside so i had to put it outside and i feel bad about it being outside because it's cold. and i am tired. and i wish i was rachel and you were ross. why is my life like a soap opera in the bad bits but not in the good ones?
annnnnnd tomorrow/today i am going to have coffee with a man who i may/may not have been falling in love with not long ago, and his ex-girlfriend. which should actually be great as they are both lovely people, only it is an odd situation. not as odd as travis and myself (and hollie), but still odd.

i do not particularly love my life right now.

band is good though. may be getting a good job. i did buy the new fuck buttons LP today... so that kinda makes it all ok i guess.

i feel like a cup of tea.

i'm gonna go curl up in bed now.

night

limbless

i found a black cat in my backyard, he had no collar.
he was lovely and looked hungry and i brought him some tuna.
it was starting to rain so i put his tuna under cover, but not inside because we have a rent inspection soon and we're not allowed cats.
i sat on the couch and watched him eat, he was very hungry and had 2 cans of tuna to himself.
then i lay down and patted him for a while, it began to rain very heavily.
i began to fall asleep.
just before i dozed off, i felt my new friend jump up onto the couch and curl up on my feet. he was warm.

i slept there for five hours.
i woke up and had to go inside because it was cold and slightly damp. i had to leave him outside, which makes me a bit sad.
i hope i see him again soon. he made me happy. i was having a bad evening.


it's starting to rain again

they carry the bodies of the withered in their mouths

i am watching a little group of birds play in the tree outside my window. my housemate is making custard at 7am. i should be making my lunch too.
but the air is so rich right now! it's been raining, and it reminds me of long conversations with my father. the smell of the cold wet soil is hanging just by my window, and i know it's letting the chill in but that doesn't matter.
i have so many things to do. i have to finish uni assignments, i have to decide where i want to be on the planet, i have to catch a bus and i have to think hard about a lot of things.
but that's okay. when i can wake up and breathedeep and just generally enjoy the wonder in the world i think i'll be okay, no matter where i am.

your head a splode

fuck buttons are a fucking amazing band.
i am infinitely excited about Street Horrrsing, their new album.

wow.

you say you want a family

your eyes have gone stale.
behind them; an ache
that beats and pulses unsteadily
that slows the healing time substantially.
that speeds up the computer's clock
and puts you at least an hour in front.

do not apply pressure;
it causes pain.
that will, of course, distract me
and my collapsing body
but it will hurt,
and it hurt enough the first time.

your smile is dry. not your eyes. your honesty is too far behind you now.
here is my issue here is my problem here is the verdict:

i must go.
the defining lines will never form.
they will always only exist behind dappled translucence
and crisscrossing blue wires inside
they are the closest thing to what you have become;

tapes

when i went to sydney i brought the tape recorder and recorded myself talking, singing, doing random things like having lunch with one of my sisters etc.
it was supposed to be something like a diary, and i am just beginning to listen to it from the start. should be interesting.

i just wanted to see how my thoughts were progressing as i talked to different people and gained more and more perspective.
(fuck my whole house is shaking... there are some workers behind the house, at the school, digging up the little swamp thing. they are there almost every day and the machines are loud and make our house shake. actually shake. like there's an earthquake or something.)
also it was a way to record the songs that i wrote. listening to the first song now.

homesweetfuckingjesushome

i do not belong here.