againagagain

hard-hitting
the smoke has gotten stuck in my jaws
it's bubbling back there, and aching
and i kinda wish i had stayed

where i could wander off into the night safely
and before you went to bed you would notice me gone
but they wouldn't know

so i will
fuck it
i think i will just disappear anyway
i don't want to listen to you fucking
i don't want to see the smiles on your faces or hear how exhausted you are
i can't be fucked forcing myself to laugh anymore

it's getting to the point where i am afraid i will end up like him
just stuck in this windowless room this dark greypainted brick
only being consoled by myself
stuck in the sickly sweet syrup of everyone else's happiness
stuck in the glue that sticks everyone else's hearts to wood
a layer of varnish, you're done
shiny as the back of the cyborg eyes

so why is it that i constantly listen for people walking past my window, only a few metres between us
the dead grass and black concrete and then me
and i hear a laugh a dog bark - a reminder that
they can see in my window and they could just decide then and there to throw a brick
or shoot me through the whitemesh
and i would disappear into the carpet, a drying scatterstain

the skin peels back, more ache than sting
and the skin dries and forms snowlikeflakes
also disappearing into carpetflesh

all i need is someone to hold my head and watch me as my eyes roll back
as my skin buckles and tears
as my fingers shiver one by one by one by

deepnight

i could dissolve

just as long as i stop expanding

i arrived here in the middle of a dream. the walls were just thin enough for my




i just woke up; i'm not sure what i'm doing here now. like falling asleep
and waking upside down.
i used to somehow make my way to the other end of the bed during the night
i'd wake feeling so disorientated.
that's how i feel now.
my mind is struggling, still groggy, for a reason why i am in this position.
everything looks so foreign from this angle.

i would collapse now, if i wasn't already sitting down.
all these nerve endings and sinews and hair follicles are hardly worth
however much you were prepared to pay.

i wish i felt human.

something make me
a few beaded lines rise up
but i can see them and they don't look like they belong to me
even though i know
and i felt it

and instantly the body reacts
but not my body

i go and pollute myself
againagagainagain

acoughagainaloss

acloseafurther
away

my words become nightmares in themeslves they confuse even me
and you will not come to talk to me
and i know you can see but you can't be fucked
me, less so

somenightsoon i will just sink into the sheets and disappear