now I am crying

having re-read this part of this blog entry from August 31 2008:

 

"...and a part of me is just so fucking eager, beyond even my own previous imaginings, to get out into it all. to travel, to plunge headfirst into cultures so vast and old and exciting and alive, to come back with a song in my heart and a glitter in my eye and to make my friends and family proud. and to give it back - to learn and teach and dance and cry and inspire and be inspired...



"and i hope that, when i face the void again (which i know i will many times in this life), i will have the strength of heart & mind to be inspired by it, and not to deny/fear/run away from/try to control it. it makes me sad sometimes when i see people who have let it get the better of them. people perhaps i once loved, or still love, or have the potential to love. i hope those people see/think of me and smile."

 

Here I am. Inspired by the void. Song in my heart, in my hands. Making my friends and family proud. Giving back. 

Having one of those moments where something so small and yet deeply felt from so many (18) years ago returns and is true. A hope that I had for myself at 18, being realised now. In the process of it. That the desperate void and emptiness is simultaneously terrifying and just bloody gorgeous. The things that broke me are reverberating with rich, complex sound.