out, feel sick in the morning. drive, dirt/gravel and a thousand or so kilograms of moving force make the break. i didn't see, i was trying to buckle my seat belt. but then i got out, then i went closer, oh and how i saw.

broken leg. clean break, through the fur & skin, other leg partially skinned & also broken, possibly. tufts of fur pulling away with the breeze. breathing, shock. she's young, this season's offspring.

pain soon. agony. and only strange creatures and their strange white virtually-unscathed machine for comfort.

he's distressed. still feeling sick. pacing a little, getting a little angry. the march flies are huge here, we lift her into the back of the van. i stay in the back with her. i calm myself and try to work out what to do. blood is pooling slowly, sticking to fur. her eyes wide open, muscles reacting instinctively.

spasms. paws clench and neck stretches, mouth opens and closes. confusion, shock after shock. pounding noises. sound i do not know, flesh i seldom see, and all surpassed by suffering.

there is a pattern to the movements. they must be involuntary. no sound escapes her mouth when it opens, paws scratch once in while as if to get away. legs do not move at all. i am holding the back of her neck. i can feel it, every few seconds, spasm, perhaps a breath, release. and over and over. while i wait to see what will happen. while she waits for it to happen.

people react, i am steeling myself. 2 others get in the car, we drive up the road far enough away. we pick it up, move it to the dirt again. she seems dead. no, still breathing, not as distressed perhaps.

closer smells more like i recognize closer eyes open closer pain closer breathe closer


a knife? he cannot, i think i can. but the best way perhaps - something heavy. i squat beside her and pull her head back, imagining what it would be like to end another sentient creature's life. eyes open. he returns with a rock. i move the head into a better position, i apologize silently and step back.
once.
may not have been enough.
again.
enough.

they go back to the car. tears come to me. i pray to the earth. turn around



rough, man. heavy shit. make a joke. defend. numb? okay. feeling okay. did the right thing. did the right thing. goes back in, comes back around/out of the ground.

so continue, heart heavy as it is fathomless. float for a while. get blurry.



coming crushing down. lost, lost, deny, lost, explain, reject, re-explain, reject, lost, anger, words, lost, hurt, lost, love, hurt, lost, leave.

okay. has to be okay. did the right thing. has to be the right thing. heat, transfer, hurt, change, heal.

but time broke the skull. and we learn. in time.