so uh

it got a bit better.

i think it'll be ok, for now.

mmmm.

fucking blag

fuckityfuckityfuckityfuck.
so today was shit.

the shittest so far.

it started ok. i went out, printed resumes, dropped some off, had lunch with dad, dropped off some more resumes. the chat with dad was kind of shit. he always makes me feel guilty. but then i feel like i am kinda wiser for it, which is odd.
then i dropped off my black and white film i've been holding onto since the start of this year, i had forgotten what pictures i had on it. and finally i was getting it processed. but i had a bad feeling even before i left the store. justine, you fucking twat.
anyway, so i go back to bondi junction, drop in some more resumes. while i am in the sustainability store, i get a call from the fotolab guy. my fucking film has been wiped. they put it through colour chemicals instead of black and white.


FUUUUUCK.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK


and i don't get angry at many things. but this, holy shit. i am so fucking upset. i lost it all. i could have done it myself a hundred times over, in fact i don't know why i didn't. but it's fucked now. no way to get it back.

then, some fucking kid at the bus stop jumps at me and i get scared out of my skin. that just irritates me. then i listen to some metal. i get home and melissa is pissed off at me. and that's pretty much continued til now.
i can't do anything right.

so my day is screwed. i don't think liss wants me to stay here anymore. i just want to go home. i know it's just one day and i shouldn't let it get to me, but for some reason i feel like it's just gonna get worse. here, i am supposed to have a fresh start. and be happier. and to get away from shit in perth. but shit likes to follow me. or maybe it's just that i'm shit at life.

i want to curl up in a ball and disappear into the blagosphere. or into my own little imaginary world of juju reiatsu and elspeth riding gahltha into the mountains and i am an awesome musician and me and we are all jamming on some other plane of this 'squdgy little multiverse'.


but, push on, juju. maybe it'll get better. and if it doesn't, get the fuck out of there. that's all there is to it.



i'm out.

-j

faster thanyoucansay

arrrggggghh.


i get so flustered
when i talk to you.
i always end up short of breath because
my sentences are not long enough
for you.
they never could be; i cannot relax any more.
not when i am talking to you.
my reasoning is stretched
i know i will snap if i am called one more time
and subtly forced to explain myself.
i shouldn't have to.
you know my situation.
you know my responsibilities.
you also know how communication can break down
within a half-hour, less.
(we are) sick of being blamed

just because of an error in someone else's information repetition.

so when i see you for lunch tomorrow
i will not pay. you should know this.
and when you hint at me, or attempt to manipulate conversation
i will be blunt and honest and refuse to take it.

thank you. very much. your money does not give you the right to push me around.

vinesveins

my thoughts are as hazy as the thin veil of rain
that shadows this dark city
the walls are bare and neutral watching the single window
reflect no expression
the day has followed through again though again i can
hardly remember when
it slipped into night

the searing pain reaches me with a slight lag
i know i should not forget
when every wish that lies on every eyelash
is less than nothing when caught inside a tiny flickering flame

i remember a dream that may have been real once
the ivy climbs thick on the fence beside the sidewalk
it inverts and reverts as it pleases, buses changing direction to suit
i had to force tears untill the irritation subsided
and i left the antagonist to be caught inside a tiny flame
with a wish tied to his claw
sucked away by a wind that plucked at the leaves, making them
seem as if they might be saluting the darkness that fluttered in my periphery
dragged away by a wind that pulled at my hair and whispered in my ear
until i could not see icouldnothear i could not catch my breath

and it twists into some other vine/vein,
it too may just be a dream now, or as(good)as;

i am not still. no in fact i am anything but
my hips are cold and the wind notices
all is thunder and electricity my skin crawls notunpleasantly the fine hairs on the back of my neck reach for the static air
the wind picks up until the sheer force of it rattles my bones notunpleasantly it twists and
it twists and
it twists and
there is one calm point, in the centre of the spiral that twists and
i lie still there, the wind lies with me
the wind lies to me
it twists and

my breath returns, unwanted
the vines die back/down
with the wind
shadows ripple through the air
it solidifies and falls back into me

(one shadow made of mercury)


notice how the cold seems so much more raw in the city
it sneaks nearer in a similar fashion to nightdaynight
it sucks the bodies' warmth away, it shrivels the leaves
still
on the vines beside me

i've written pages upon pages

trying to rid you from my bones...

internet cafe in bondi. got my green chicken curry, my usb drive, my visual diary...
it's raining in sydney and i like it better this way. i don't want to spend too much money here, and i do have to get all my centrelink shite sorted, so this won't be a long blog.
a bit of aeroplane poetry:

"the darkness is creeping up and
slowly dissolving the light. I
can't help but get an odd
sense of foreboding. I've never
seen anything like this.
halfway across the horizon, the
dark splits the sky and rises
like a wave, a spray of
light is cast into the air. I
can almost feel its salty coldness
on my face.
and i am flying directly
towards it.
it's getting bigger..."


ah. hopefully liss & i will be getting unwired internet soon. no more freaking internet cafes with nerds screaming at each other over WoW any more. joy.

-j