and

fuck. i miss

i was just reading michela's old msn spaces blog. from before guy died. from when alex and i were together and there was drinnking and smoking and general awesomeness on a weekendly basis and there was climbing into empty bathtubs fully clothed and gin and it was g, a, m, b, a, j and that was all that we needed and fuck fuck FUCK i want those days back more than i have ever wanted anything EVER and i hatehatehate the fact that there is no chance in hell that will happen and the love is all dried up and obligatory and musty now and fuck.
what is this flesh? this blood? what is it? what do i do with it now? undirectable hatred and fear and longing and sadness is spilling out, out of this fleshthisblood. fuck fuck fuck. fuck. fuck fuck. fuck.
who were you?
why was i so fucking naive?
it is OUT OF MY CONTROL
i have lost CONTROL
i am out
i am lost

all spinning and dizzydancing and oblivion.
i fucking miss you more than i ever knew i could miss anything and i need you to not be gone anymore. i am begging now. you can, i know you can, you can drag it all back and i will swallow my words and do it all over again except better this time. there is so much i needed to tell you and so much i needed to hear. i am losing them. i am losing them too.
it is OUT OF MY HANDS
my hands are empty

andiknownothingbutthesmellofmyowntearsnow
i have lost it.