badly rolled cigarette birthday

new blog. http://badlyrolledcigarettebirthday.blogspot.com
whole lot of random scribblings by myself and chester and jesse.


also:

my life has truly come full circle. on my 19th birthday. the transition period is now in a transition itself.
infinite possibility.

potential.

i am a liminal space with no boundaries or meaning.
euphoria/diaspora/epiphany?

stream of consciousness (dam)

it is not important
(the take absorb give inside outside barrier breaking pixel placement)

what is important is the fact that now you know it is only in the upper air
it is not too far for your mind to reach.
nothing is much further away than there.

lapse backwards

it'll do 'til the mess gets here

so here i am, watching no country for old men with my dad and my stepmum. this time tomorrow i will be on a plane back to perth.

(new dishwashers, air vents, stinging lower lip.)

i miss the dawn.

i am leaving.

and

fuck. i miss

i was just reading michela's old msn spaces blog. from before guy died. from when alex and i were together and there was drinnking and smoking and general awesomeness on a weekendly basis and there was climbing into empty bathtubs fully clothed and gin and it was g, a, m, b, a, j and that was all that we needed and fuck fuck FUCK i want those days back more than i have ever wanted anything EVER and i hatehatehate the fact that there is no chance in hell that will happen and the love is all dried up and obligatory and musty now and fuck.
what is this flesh? this blood? what is it? what do i do with it now? undirectable hatred and fear and longing and sadness is spilling out, out of this fleshthisblood. fuck fuck fuck. fuck. fuck fuck. fuck.
who were you?
why was i so fucking naive?
it is OUT OF MY CONTROL
i have lost CONTROL
i am out
i am lost

all spinning and dizzydancing and oblivion.
i fucking miss you more than i ever knew i could miss anything and i need you to not be gone anymore. i am begging now. you can, i know you can, you can drag it all back and i will swallow my words and do it all over again except better this time. there is so much i needed to tell you and so much i needed to hear. i am losing them. i am losing them too.
it is OUT OF MY HANDS
my hands are empty

andiknownothingbutthesmellofmyowntearsnow
i have lost it.

jawtensionstingtear

shinyshinyteeth

hey man. romeo is

romeo is

okay okay. so my heart is beating a little slower than before. my eyes are hazy and i slip to the ground with ease. standing back up again is more the issue here.

so i think and i think until my brain fuzzes into rewind mode, until i retract and refuse to reply.

you put me in this state.

you stretch my resources outwards and sideways and you twist me inside out.

and i am getting offers from the other side of the world where you are standing on your head

i am tempted, so tempted to take them.

but i don't know if i have it in me.

comewithmecomewithmehere maybe?

no i am not talking to you, no i am talking to the trees that drop their unseen seeds
and the ground swallows them up i am watching from beneath the dirt. i do not know these sproutlings.
they are pushing the soil further into me

and the trees drop these seeds so that they can be free.
i wish i could be just as strong as the trees.
i wish i could spend all my time with the trees.



i'm sick of this all being blamed on me.
sicksicksick

static line landscape

while the world was busy sleeping


yr sister and her son fell asleep on the couch
you were thinking about this curtailed trip
the alternates that place you
came spiralling back down
all too fast. i got dizzy.
i threw my head back, and i let the waves of nausea roll
roll
roll

static line landscape that is your homeplace
echoes and interrupts like yr burgeoning sickness
the expectations split the spectrum
into fields of grey
the antenna is faulty
my thoughts buzz and crackle. scrolling lines disorient the view






...(unfinished)