from newtown internet cafe, with love

so here i am. spending all my money in newtown. listening to neil finn through new headphones, wearing a new shirt and new suspenders. new ring on my finger, 3 bags of new stuff beside me.
i'm staying with my sister at her place in rose bay. i wish i could live there, and have all my friends live near me too...
idealism gets you nowhere justine.

i'm getting increasingly excited about india. talked to chester today, just got me thinking about it all over again. dad didn't seem too keen, but, as liss said, he's just pointing out problems that might need dealing with - that's what dads do.
but man. nothing can stop me. i'm going to go busking and work and sell all my unwanted stuff in markets/on ebay and save up heaps of money and be able to stay for as long as i want. fuck i'm excited.

anyway. this internet cafe is chewing up my train fare home.

-j

splitting raindrops

i am in sydney, finally.
third time lucky. bits and pieces are splitscattering around me. i'm catching threads as my right hand moves, my head itches. it's 3:37 here. i am disorientated.
as soon as i get here, i am interrogated. i have to leave later on today. i cannot settle. i am unsettled.
my skin is playing up too. my whole being seems wrong, out of balance... receptors are playing up.
(de ja vu all over again)


it's a strange desire that keeps me from resting. there are so many bits in this house. so many small pieces of paper and cds and books and toys and useless boxes of bits. ready to be split. i want to take them all and scatter them. i want to take all the thoughts from my father's head and pin them up on a wall made out of the cellophane and dusty documents and filed decomposing artworks that line this house. i want to read what my sister writes. i want to enfold in arms and scent and sleep with breath on the back of my neck.

my computer is overheating. i should probably go to bed now, early start.
goodnight.

anniversary of an uninteresting event

no more gold lights
for the queen earth
to keep you warm
in yr kingdoms
high on the waves that you made for us
but not since you left have the waves come

the bar is dead
and the rocket's rain
is keeping you wet
in yr deathbed
so high on the waves that you made for us
but not since you left have the waves come

have the waves come

on the run

heading east tomorrow night.
a few good weeks of guitar-ing, market-ing and making own clothes (ing). i can't wait to see my sisters, and their kids, and to hang out in newtown, and to catch the train up to newcastle, and catch the train back down, and go have coffee in haberfield and go out at night with melissa.
and take photos and
write poems and

paint pictures and

i should probably get ready for the gig, have some dinner and stuff.

-j

islands (let go if you will)

my body sinks
the blue rises up and over
my ears
i hear
a beat, beat
beat
it echoes through veins and bones.

steam lifts off the soft-lit lake
the islands fleshy and dense
displace

my mind falls over the edge
the five suns flicker and
skin dries, buckles, peels off easily
in waves
little shivers fan out from the base of my skull
and my right thigh, up

the islands quake as if
at any moment
they will be split asunder

beneath their reflections
my heart beats thunder, thunder

the water grows colder
my heart shudders and bursts open,
deep waves ripple outwards -
my body disintegrates -

i watch as islands drown
my eyes with them

countless times

no matter what it looks like
all i bring you is love

oh here i am again, edgy as fuck, just waiting for something to come tip me over the edge.
i'm restless, i don't know what i am doing or what to do. i need to finish too many things, i just want it all to be over.

tuesday.
tuesday.
tuesday.

even if that essay doesn't get finished. even if my review goes horribly. it will be done.
this sort of pressure is supposed to ignite my motivation.
instead, i want to watch buffy.
i want to ignore it all and get lost in the sexual tension. in the demons and alternate dimensions and magic. i am actually completely addicted to it.
that could be really fucking depressing if i think about it.
*avoid*


(but it doesn't calm me.
not like
my teacher died
or the telepathic desert.

not like
she said
or keeping an eye on the world going by my window.

and thoughts are ushered away.
things are so lush and large here, i like it here more.

i need to get here, as soon as possible.)


you fade from me like you know i'm dying, you fade from me like i'm already gone
(already bones and born again)


i think the most comforting thing about this is that i know i have nothing to hide here, there is nothing to judge me and no pretenses to hold up, i can be as much of a wanker or dickhead or bitch or depressed little girl or geek or metalhead or indie kid or buffy addict as i want to be. no questions asked. i am sick of trying to be interesting or deep or intelligent or stupid. fuck it. i can call it what i want and i can start new paragraphs where i want and i can tell them all to get fucked if i want.
i'm going to india, fuck it.


and then these pixels will dissolve into the ether and

born again

hat wears you

i truly do enjoy getting undressed after a party
still being excessively drunk
and preparing myself for a good ol' dose of buffy the vampire slayer.
yes, blogger. you may judge me.
but i am impervious, you see, as i
have just returned from a joyous occasion
on which i rendered myself free.

there are complications, you find
there are always new things to be defined
but i do realize that these things will resolve themselves
if you give them time

there are possibilities, there are
confusions, frustrations, lies
fear. but if you would be so kind
to yourself
you'd let them fly.



i drank alot of beer tonight.


(post-statement: man i was drunk when i wrote this. damn.)

/chin

and suddenly
it all swings back
i have been living in an alternate universe for 7 months
or i have just begun living in an alternate universe
either way i am fresh and alive

thanks to the blood
and the conversation
and the expensive bottle of red that you shared with me
and the design deal you sent to me
and the joy of bread and cheese
thanks to the thunder
and the rolling conversation
and the symmetrical bloodstains
and the pattern on my stockings
thanks to the new job
and the end of day cigarette
and the softer smiles as i leave the car
thanks to the arms you put around me
and the skin i smelt

but mainly, thanks to the blood