heartful thoughtbreaking

sitting at my dining table, listening to a conversation repeat itself 
a repeat of a repeat, only a little broader this time
and just as hopeless

(carry it on, 
get      it     together)

I see the sheen of my filmy protective layer thinning
but even as tension releases and it disappears,
I am still not cringing, or squinting.

let it all rush in.

oh that AIR yeah it is necessary for it to slam you full-force in the face
nostrils flare and memory of salt-sweet stinging bombardment sets these lungs to 
expanding

ribs crack open ready to embrace the night-lit tide of all my pasts 
and forgivings rushing in

the sudden influx of pressure or some shooting star coinciding with a late light breeze stirring fine hairs
destroys me every time but I climb
out

it was stale in there.


Now, led by example or lemming demands I'll still listen, watching binary stumble off your tongue
nudging cracked teeth
then my time stirs and shudders awake...
Priorities shift like the repetitive lesson of the shuffling dance we don't entrust to our feet
our minds slip
until we resolve to break 

the skin

let it all rush in.




and take note:
nails bitten to the quick. whitetailbite, dull itch. hips and spine aching. scalp flaking. tired body, tired eyes. heartful thoughtbreaking. respectful removal from conversation, or labrynthine logic. soul-fuelled love-shifts, evolutions or re-incarnations. truth felt and spoken, belly still broken. (time & observation) but the continuation of this revelation station has my core worn down a little and I gotta say I am looking forward to seeing the ocean

and letting it all rush in

today, perhaps right now even

i know nothing and i feel empty and this keyboard is alien to me

i look around me and feel nothing i see my life leafed into pages and i feel nothing

i hear the wavering giggle and i feel nothing i feel cloudy

something i know something but how something surely not i wait and i wait

but i act now yes i do i have actions and deliver things, to myself, to you

to the world and i am proving it slowly to myself, to the world, to myself

jaw aches familiar life cycles deteriorate ebbing with each season and i cannot take advantage of it enough i cannot make up for lost time

i feel empty again ok will feel empty once this choked up acid reflux of a word gets spoken

thank fuck

not quite ready to be filled again

i miss you man i fucking miss you you retard why aren't you near me? i feel your soul within my soul and without and i want to know why it gets so fucking hard sometimes and i know you can't tell me but at least you can just smile and say it's fucked but here we are

maybe it is getting so close to that time of year maybe it is almost 7 years now no fucking way it makes no sense you are still here you are still

my past comes rushing up on me tsunami-style, giving not one fuck, not for me or any other ant, crushing all in its wake and releasing salty creatures to flop about uselessly in my psyche

leaving nothing but bits in its wake

bits and starfish to dry up as the sun burns burns burns

deliver deliver deliver

feel better feel better feel better

breathe deep and slow down

just draw it up and expel it and compose

this don't bother trying to make sense of it

release

salty creatures back into the sea