i tell myself instead of being myself

i need you to tell me
that i'm wrong

and what sort of psychologically twisted statement is that?
"It doesn't matter what i say so fuck it. You keep talking about how unstable you are and how upset this has made you and how i am the only one who can help it. Well your emotions are not my reponsibility. They are YOURS. If you feel like shit, find a way to make it better. But don't just call me up to tell me how hard i have made it for you. I love you so fucking much and i can feel how angry and deeply sad you are and it hurts me because i want you to be happy but I CAN'T DO IT FOR YOU. God fucking knows i've tried. And so my heart is breaking every day but the more we try to communicate the more we argue and just make it worse. I am exhausted."

doesn't take much to rip us into pieces...

and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i can't handle this sort of bullshit any more. it spills from my mouth and into your eyes and then from your throat into my stomach. it just keep coming in all forms in vomit and bile and motherfucking rose petals and wires and black indian ink and snow and vegetables and pieces of lint. and my brain, my poor poor brain, just implodes incessantly. repeating the same tones and structures the same detachment the same fear the same sadness and meter and downcast self-deprecating retorts as if that will resolve anything.

i want to be done with it. i can't give him the love he needs because without allowing it in himself he will never get it. from anyone. let alone me.

i will see him. i will tell him that i love him but cannot be with him at this point in time. our communication is beyond the point of repair, our emotional attachment to each other is unhealthy and needs to be rectified. there is no point in trying to change yourself for someone else. you should only edit things about yourself if it will benefit YOU personally. any further than that is not your responsibility. this does not mean 'don't give a fuck about what others feel' - it's quite the opposite. be compassionate, be loving - but do not try to carry other people's emotional burdens because when you finally hand it back to them saying "my back is breaking" then they feel betrayed and put out because, what do you know, their wellbeing becomes their responsibility again and they haven't built up any muscle to carry it themselves.

rant. yeah, well it's who i am. and if you want to know, ask. but after you have asked don't forget to listen.

no more justification of my actions.
no more defensiveness (apart from that which is completely necessary)
no more weakness. she is here. my dreams are slippery and translucent but they are there. i am here.