stirring, down

so much, maybe too much. no; never. just the right amount of much.

it's like there is a constant neural fatigue relating to all the words that spill from my mouth when i am there. back in la selva subterranea: some paths are all too overgrown and no amount of hacking can get through. not at this point anyway. haven't graduated to a higher grade of sickle yet.

stirring in the deepest core of my self. i can embrace it, and i know what i need. i know when i need to clarify, or push, or pull, or vault myself over, gracefully or otherwise.
it's confusion. it's a lack of understanding or at least attempting to understand. simply putting that conscious effort in place will brighten the depths. even if it's just enough to make out the edges and shadows, it's a start. stop throwing things into that seemingly endless abyss. they just rust and decompose in there. after a lifetime you realize it's not endless; no, it is a forest you have smothered with old cars and dusty cardboard and plastic bottles and useless fraying wires. and when it starts to spill over the top suddenly you realize nothing can grow, not until it is all removed and re-cultivated and re-cycled. i think maybe that stirring is this, at least in part. these expulsive tendencies.

damage. is done. and reversed somewhat. and destruction returns so quickly when you are unaware or even when you are but not strong enough to overcome it constantly. no wonder things fall to shit when the environment is sterile and yet so caked with grease and grime you are overwhelmed by the lack of life. other than basic bacterial. let some fucking light in, for fuck's sake. you are suffocating. cockroaches, translucent pale cockroaches that have never had the chance to get a tan. the most resilient of insects. of course the more that collect the more that breed.

i love. please, for your own sake, let yourself.
falling on deaf ears or absorbed and then rejected into the pit
there is no absorption of nutrients. just let yourself process it. you are the only one who can save your own life. and i love you, therefore i love your life. but despite all of it, i can't save it. even if it seems that way to me, i am not useless because of this. just helpless when it comes to

come to. heart open, even if broken.