and my travelling companions are ghosts and empty sockets

my stepmum today found old books and photos and misc from a long, long time ago. 15 years or so. suddenly i'm looking at books that i remember, but haven't seen in at least 10 years. drawings from when i was in pre-primary, stories about princesses and sparkling lakes and huge castles, then the aforementioned princess getting shot and luckily she didn't die but she had to go to hospital and, i quote, "the bullet went in 1 centimetre." or acrostic poems that make little to no sense/sound like badly translated engrish. i think i can learn a lot about who i am at my purest from these drawings and writings. i can almost hear my own voice as a child.
i wonder, if bunny could talk, what he would have to say about me. about who i have grown to be.
and i see joshie and sofia and even toby & dylan, and i am so excited about the amazing humans they are/will be. i really hope i can be a good influence on them, get them thinking about the world in a way no one else in their life could. crazy aunty jussie.


...and a part of me is just so fucking eager, beyond even my own previous imaginings, to get out into it all. to travel, to plunge headfirst into cultures so vast and old and exciting and alive, to come back with a song in my heart and a glitter in my eye and to make my friends and family proud. and to give it back - to learn and teach and dance and cry and inspire and be inspired...



and i hope that, when i face the void again (which i know i will many times in this life), i will have the strength of heart & mind to be inspired by it, and not to deny/fear/run away from/try to control it. it makes me sad sometimes when i see people who have let it get the better of them. people perhaps i once loved, or still love, or have the potential to love. i hope those people see/think of me and smile.

(with my eyes mostly closed like a person who knows how to drown)

in sydney.

it's a new moon tonight. apt.
it just hit me before, when i was in the kitchen. i am not going back to perth for a long time. not an amazingly long time, but the longest i've ever been out of perth.
i'm giving up a lot of things and putting some aside for the moment. picking up new things.

6 months. if i'm not out of sydney by the end of february, that's it. using my frequent flyer points to go to [insert exotic destination here]. i'm not getting stuck again.
then... *shrug*
hopefully i'll end up somewhere fun with awesome people and lots of art and culture and life and music (which, of course, is an essential part of all of the above).

you've gone away enough - mirah

If the light takes you in will you know where you've been all this time
At the edge of a cliff you could almost just slip down the side
When there's so much to do don't you wish you could make up your mind?
But it know it's elusive, it grows and it burns you inside

With my eyes mostly closed like a person who knows how to drown
I'll squint at the sun and my shoulders will pray for the ground
Let's throw something over, imagine it's us falling down
And thinking of death we will watch without making a sound

But it's just the way you are you don't have to be afraid
The way you look at the stars and how you think that they were made
The motion will never stop turning the night into the day
You've gone away enough when will you decide to stay

My trouble with everything always is nothing's just right
Just to figure out nothing could keep you awake half the night
Not to know what you want is a terrible thing you should fight
You just suffer for the face of the dark while you wait for the light

look at us now, we're all so lost

shaking our heads at the thought of a god

strangers inside their own homes

(between the scotch and the feedback is where i rot
trying to make my blood clot)

shit. this time tomorrow i'll be on my way to the airport. everything needs to be packed, clean, organized. i don't want to deal with it. uni shit. work shit. i want to record and hang out with my friends. but it's my own fault, this all could have been done weeks ago. once again, she leaves it to the last minute.

(you're not the type that we could forget
you'll see our shadows on the edge of the sky)

butterfly skin akin so delicate

tonight should be good.

you'll see our shadows on the edge of the sky

nande?

2 days now. i haven't packed. booked dinner for tomorrow night though, i guess that's something.
there aren't enough hours in a day, i have decided. or maybe it's just that i am severely disorganized. yeah, that sounds more likely.
i grow more and more dissatisfied with myself the longer i put everything off. but there will be an aeroplane that i will have to catch, and everything must be at least mostly sorted by then.
anyway. i need to find the other two books to take back to uni. or face $80 fines per book.

time, time, time.

so desu ne.

4 days.

so desu ka?

these are easily some of the best days/nights of my life thus far.

10 days

so i left my visual diary in dominic's car last night because i was really fucking drunk. didn't throw up though. i drank a lot of scotch in a very short period of time. (happy birthday to you.)

now my head is a fried egg/brick/cotton wool.
i wrote some really cool stuff in my visual diary too, which i was going to write up onto here, but of course probably won't be getting that back til sunday. i should probably start packing my stuff up properly. i still haven't exactly decided what i'm taking with me, but i have a feeling that dad and kath will think it's too much. fuck it. i wish i could take my record player and records.
definitely bringing my jeff buckley sheet music...
now. i have to go shower and get ready to head off again. hopefully my head will be a bit clearer by the time i step back into that harsh sunlight... agh...

i'm out.
-j

agent dale cooper

i just finished watching twin peaks.

my mind is exploded. stuck in a concrete plot. it's not thick, it's actually solidified.
but... cooper... oh god.

mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy... a kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?

need... more... lynch. *twitch twitch*

reikon/i (senbonzakura)

winter into a soft autumn
as the tree-stump held me
as the sun began to sink
i picked the sakura
and perhaps that same slow susurrus
will whisper me away

i will not be here to watch them fall.
i will rest on the edges of the (whirlwind/riptide)
as they separate and scatter,

senbonzakura.

my heart aches and is dragged down
potential seeping into my itching bones
potential gnawing my fingernails down to the quick
potential buzzing behind my eyes

the icy lines are splintering
they are blue and grey and
reflect bright when the sun hits them
they sink down into my (reikon)
they tell you so many things and
when (i/kon) leave them they will scatter


senbonzakura.

my fingertips are dusty.

my feet are calloused and worn,
the left aches -
same slow beat as my heart -
the whisper of blood in my ears -

and when the (whirlwind/riptide)
pulls me back upwards
the oceanrain will leave my flesh full
spin and drag and heave me back upwards
just to spit me out, wet and broken
i will not hear myself hit the [sakura/reikon/chi]
for the blood surging:


spill and scatterstain,



senbonzakura

there is a fishtank in this internet cafe

so i don't know what i want for lunch.
fuckin' dilemma.

i have not that much money. i just ran into travis' best friends. i feel oddly clean and displaced. i don't want to write any poetry right now. i'm going to read my book in the sun and probably smoke a cigarette. i won't be leaving perth until the 30th now.

i get to see my sister on friday.
i have a big gig on friday, too.

i'd better leave before i get charged more than it's worth.
i want to listen to my new record...

i have no idea what i really want.

-j

takkun...?

nails on the ceiling, little [strings/wires?] netting outwards
you are telling me things i do not know; you say i can find them there
(in the web) if i look hard enough and follow the lines to each [nail/destination/connectingpoint?]

...

spiralling up, like
the inside of a shell
or
a spiralstaircase

whitefire/electriclight

wake up;
[we/feline] yawn at the same time.

the days stretch and contract, we [swim awkwardly/stumble blindly] in
the messy wake of heartbreak

but the forces speak of choices
that [i/you] must make as well as [you/me]

...

never knows best.

L11

so here i am again, back in the library at curtin... i need to defer (very last minute!!) but i am procrastinating. my mind is elsewhere.
gig tonight. quite a big one, too, supporting blackmilk before they go on tour. mmm.

i have no more words. i've written a lot of stuff lately but in my visual diary instead of here. it's more tangible. plus, i learnt my lesson after writing the most brilliant fucking thing everrrrrrr when i was baked in sydney and teh internets disconnected and didn't publish or save. epic fail.

-juju.

also: my kayo dot album came. but of course my fucking record player is fucking fucked so i can't fucking play it.
it looks nice though. i hugged the it for a bit.

grraaaargh

son of a fucking bitchfuck. my record player's needle was assfucked by some wanker when i was in sydney. i just tried to play my new gy!be album, and some kyuss, and neither of them fucking worked because the needle is dead and gone and lying in a pool of its own vomit in the gutter of an empty brooklyn street in the rain. and that makes me sad as well as angry. not a good combination.

1 week 4 days now.
i keep missing my buses.

but it's all right, it's ok... i have good tasty musics for the bus/train ride to freo.

mmm.